How to Break Phone Addiction as a Parent (Five Steps that Work)

“Daddy, when you are done looking at your phone, will you play with me?”

I am guessing you’ve heard something similar from your kids, too. It’s gut-wrenching every single time. You might not have even realized you were looking at your phone. And you probably didn’t think your kids were paying attention to what you were doing, anyway. But they were.

They always are.

If you are in your late 30s/early 40s like me, then you can remember what life was like before these smart phones that have become so essential to our daily lives. I think we have to go back. Nothing is trending in a positive direction.

We are the last generation that genuinely understands that it is possible to live without these screens.

It’s the reason I created this podcast. I wanted to make something screen-free for my kids to enjoy. I wanted to prove you could capture a kid’s attention without screens, because I’m told all the time now that this is impossible. It’s not.

And we can kick the addiction too. We have to. For our kids.

Every time you absent-mindedly scroll social media while your son or daughter tries to get your attention, they are getting a message from you: “In this moment, that screen is more important than me.”

I don’t believe that’s true. Do you? But our actions tell our kids differently.

I’ve struggled with this since the moment I became a father. I am not “cured” but I have some strategies that have helped kick the addiction.

Step 1: Keep your phone in another room.

This one is harder than it seems, but let me tell you: You will quickly realize the hold your phone has over you once you try to separate yourself from it for even an hour. “What am I missing? What if someone tries to get in touch?”

Forget it. Sure, maybe some emergency might happen and you won’t find out for an hour. But probably not.

If you can’t keep it out of the room for one reason or another, then I suggest a product like Brick that locks you out of apps until you physically get up and scan a magnetic device.

Step 2: Get a camera that does not have a screen.

When I started keeping my phone in another room more and more often, the first problem I had to solve was that I now didn’t have a camera.

I think a lot of parents would be more willing to give up their phones if they could solve this problem. Well, I have a solution! Two of them. These are ways to take photos that are way more fun than an iPhone.

• The Expensive Option: A Fujifilm instax camera. These are like the old polaroid cameras we had when we were kids. The camera itself is not expensive, but the film is. We use this for special occasions, like birthdays or vacations. Otherwise we use…
• The Cheap Option: The Camp Snap Camera. It’s a fun little digital camera without a screen! Remember the old days when you took a picture and didn’t see how it turned out for days or weeks until the film was developed? The Camp Snap Camera brings back that fun while also keeping things digital. Much cheaper. My kids love this thing. In fact, they don’t even care to see the photos. They just love walking around and snapping photos. Camp Snap also has a video camera that works the same way, as well.

Step 3: Stop using social media.

This is the hardest one on the list, I think.

I deleted all of my social media accounts back in 2020, and I have never looked back. Does it make promoting things I’m working on a lot harder? Yes, it really does. But I am so convinced that social media has been such a net negative for society and culture.

It has made everything performative. It has stripped sincerity from society. And all of the major platforms are designed to keep you scrolling and scrolling and scrolling forever.

You are not weak for struggling to kick a social media addiction. I am not sure there is actually a healthy way to use these platforms, even with constant self-imposed safeguards.

That’s why I deleted all of it.

Yes, you will miss updates from your friends and family. But guess what? The people who matter will text you pictures or call you. Mine do.

Social media is specifically designed to keep you endlessly entertained, which separates you from your children. In my mind, that makes it bad.

If there is a healthy way to use social media, great. I was never able to figure it out. So I just cut it off!

Step 4: Admit the problem and re-establish connection with your kids.

The connection with our children that has been damaged every day by our phones and social media must be re-established intentionally.

Admitting the damage that has been done is vital, because otherwise you can reason away your addiction: “Well, I don’t spend that much time on my phone. It’s only when my kids are working on a project that I will absent-mindedly scroll…” blah blah blah.

We’ve made a mistake, and we need to correct it.

In their fantastic book Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté talk about the concept of “collecting your kids.” This simply means: intentionally re-establishing and reinforcing attachment with your child before separation and after reunion.

I’ll give you an example of how I “collect my children” on a daily basis.

In the morning, no matter what I am doing– no matter how busy I am– when my kids come downstairs to say good morning, I stop everything, and I treat them like it’s the first time I’ve seen them in a week. They’ve come to expect it… GOOD! They are awesome kids. I want them to start each day secure in my love for them. They should never question it. Every morning should begin with a reminder of it.

The ultimate gift is to make a child feel invited to exist in our presence exactly as he is, to express our delight in his very being. There are thousands of ways this invitation can be conveyed: in gesture, in words, in symbols, and in actions. The child must know that she is wanted, special, significant, valued, appreciated, missed, and enjoyed. For children to fully receive this invitation—to believe it and to be able to hold on to it even when we are not with them physically—it needs to be genuine and unconditional.
– Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers: Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté

Re-establish that divine connection with your children first, and then…

Step 5: Practice being present.

Our brains have become accustomed to those constant dopamine hits. Rather than trying to reject them cold turkey, channel them into some kind of project with your child.

This can be a game you play together or perhaps inviting them in to do some activity that you enjoy.

A lot of times, you don’t even have to look for these opportunities. How many times have your kids asked if they can help you do the dishes? Yes, it’s going to take longer if you say “yes,” but you’re also empowering them and giving them practice in a practical skill. Most importantly, you are being present with them, which is the thing they’re really asking for when they ask if they can do the dishes with you.

They just want to hang in your world for a little bit. Take the AirPods out and just be present with your babies. They will not be babies for long.

Raising kids requires discipline. It’s the most important job any of us will ever do. You are not a perfect parent, but you are the perfect parent for your kids. You are the one they were given! You were designed to take care of these babies. You have what it takes to do it every single day, even when you don’t believe that yourself.

Whether or not our kids are watching screens all day, one thing is for sure: they are watching US all day. So… what will they see?

---